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"If history teaches us anything, it's that you can kill anybody." - Michael Corleone. The Godfather II. |
*Be Warned!*
Possession of the information found on this page will likely result in some idiot vampire being sent to kill you.
We have recently learned that the real reason for the lovely Princess Di's death is as follows: It seems that Mohammed Al-Fayed, mysteriously rich father of Dodi, was originally given his position in London society by the Followers of Set from his homeland of Egypt. He was to serve as their eyes and ears in Britain, making sure that the Setites weren't getting stiffed by the London Ventrue, who had made a 'mutually beneficient' oil business deal with the Setites some years ago. However, with the return of our dear Prince Mithras, all bets were off. Under the influence of Mithras' vast quantities of Dominate, Al-Fayed was quicky fell over to the Brit Ventrue side..asking for citizenship..supporting all the right politicians..befriending princesses. The Followers of Set back home in Egypt soon felt that it was time to give Mohammed a lesson and a warning about his disloyalty. It was thus that they planned the death of Al-Fayed's son, and the Princess. The chauffeur dominated to follow orders unto death, the bodyguard a blood-bound ghoul in place to make sure nothing went wrong, and several pawns cleverly posing as photographers to make it all seem like a tragic accident and divert blame. All in all, a very well-thought out plan. Don't know what will happen when word of this gets out.
You may recall that a few years ago Barron's Bank, a venerable London financial institution, suffered billions of pounds in losses and was utterly ruined. This, as are most suspicious financial events, was the responsibility of clan Ventrue. It was a last-ditch effort after the death of Mithras to destroy the British economy and thereby discredit me and have me ousted from the Princedom. Obviously, it didn't work because 1.) the economy didn't actually collapse and 2.) it was such an obvious Ventrue ploy, no one would have believed that it was my fault anyway. Ha, fools!!
You probably have already suspected this, but the I.R.A. is a handy scapegoat/excuse for practially all explosions, shootouts, and other violence committed by the vampires of Britain. The real I.R.A. is actually a very small organization, and only about 10% of the things you hear about on the news are really committed by them. So, it is a rather mutually beneficial relationship..we give them publicity and airtime on the telly, and they provide an excuse for all sorts of nastyness. Why ARE large explosions such a big part of vampiric life, anyway? Or is it just us...??
Yes, this godawfully bad, short-lived American TV programme was, oddly enough, a vampire plot. It was a ingeniously devious mis-information campaign devised by Hollywood Ventrue and Toreador. Observing the hysterical followers of shows like X-Files and Star Trek, who take all of the shows' scripts as gospel, the vampires launched this show hoping to acquire a similar cult following. This way, whenever humans accidentally witnessed real vampires, no one would believe them... eveyone would think that they had just watched too much telly! Then, of course, the show's vampiric producers had to make the Ventrue prince a sympathetic hero, and totally distort all the rest of the clans to make them seem utterly stupid. Bastards. Anyway, even vampire conspiracies are no match for Neilsen numbers, and the show was canned. And, coincidentally, the actor who portrayed that sympathetic Ventrue prince died in a motorcycle accident in London...and I assure you, I have no idea at all who did it..really...
Actually, this was NOT a conspiracy. In fact, it was a non-conspiracy brought about by our new 'no vampires shall meddle in national politics' rule. That, and the lack of Ventrue to prop up the conservative party. Let's hear it for democracy!
As you are undoubtedly well aware, practically all ecological disasters are arranged courtesy of the Pentex corporation as part of their heinous plot to..well..to do whatever it is that they intend to do. (That's never been very clear to us. But we do know that they hate werewolves, and that's a Good Thing.) At any rate, we know for a particular fact that the massive oil spill off of the coast of Wales a few years ago was a sneaky Pentex ploy to draw all of the werewolves in the UK together to one location were they could be identified, then killed later on by an elite task force of Fomori dispatched to the islands. And it worked quite smashingly!! Silly little canine bastards!
Ok, here is the real biggie. Sit down for this: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CLAN MALKAVIAN! Yes, you heard it here first. The Malkavian "clan" was simply a convenient scapegoat created by other members of the Camarilla. Oh, did something odd happen? Was there some error that messed up your grand schemes? Must have been that insane clan Malkavian, yes indeed! Oh no, sir, I didn't mess up..it was those crazies, honest!! BAH! It's all a big hoax, I tell you! Each 'malkavian' out there is just a member of some other clan who has been disowned because he or she happens to have turned out insane. Of course, we have no solid proof of this, but believe me, it's true, and it's about time everybody owned up to it!
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