The primary argument that we seem to be hearing ad nauseam is that sodomite "marriage" is a matter of equal rights. That's an interesting avenue to explore, since I'd like to know what rights the sodomites think they're being denied. I suppose some would say they're being denied the right to marry the man or woman of their choice, as long as we play free and loose with the word 'marriage'.

Let's think about that one for a moment, ... or less, even. Do all of us have the right to marry the man or woman of our choice? In my case, as you might guess, it would be the woman of my choice. And, indeed, at one time I exercised that choice, even though it scared me half to death. But prior to that, years prior that is, I had a few other choice women in mind, but at different times, of course. Oddly enough, I never even got to first base with those. For some, I wasn't even in the batting order, and, yes, they were women, too. I like to think of myself as a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

Now, obviously, either they turned me down or I never even got to the point of making my choice known, but, I had a choice, nevertheless. My question is, given the current argument, were my rights violated?

The issue just isn't with me alone. I have a friend named 'Marc'. Some time back there was a lady of whom he was quite enamored. As far as I know, he still is. She was his choice for marriage. He, too, found his choice "unrequited." I advised him to sue her for denying him his rights under the constitution of whatever state where he could manage it. And to you young folk out there, that's also my advice to you. Have your amorous advances been rejected? Well, go ahead! Sue 'em!

First lesson learned: There is no "right" to marry the person of your choice. It's an incoherent idea. Stay single all your life, and no one has violated your rights ... to anything.

It's like the mythical right to health care. If no one wants to become a doctor and treat you, what will you do? Sue someone for not going to medical school?

For the sake of argument, let's assume there is some crazy "right to marry." Let's suppose I do have the right to marry the woman of my choice, as she has the right to marry the man of her choice. Let's also suppose the laws of the states, including Kalyfornia, remain as they are ... er ... or were when sanity prevailed. Let's suppose two sodomites operating under conceptual confusion appear at a court house and apply for a marriage license. They are then poliltely told they are making a mistake, the same kind of mistake that someone might make if they were to walk into a game commission office in Pennsy and ask for a driver's license. In effect, they are turned down for being in the wrong office. Now, question: Have their rights been denied? Have they been denied the "right to marry?" My answer may surprise you -- No, they haven't been denied the right to marry. They still have the same right that I would, my wife would, or my friend Marc would have under this fictitious scenario. Male sodomites still have the right to marry the female of their choice, and female sodomites still have the right to marry the male of their choice.

So, you see, I'm quite puzzled about all this talk of denying rights to someone. I can't figure out which right, or what right has been denied to anyone. I've never seen any sodomite denied the right to marry anyone of his or her choice. Of course, just as if I were teaching a class of my students, it occurs to me to ask the obvious. We do know how to use the word 'marriage', don't we? Come to think of it, maybe that's the whole problem.

Although I'm no fan of Uncle Abraham (horrors!), I do have to admit he has some witty, yea, even pithy sayings to his credit. Once, during the War of Northern Aggression, he put the following question to his cabinet (I forgot the ultimate point he was trying to make, but as with all pithy sayings, the original intent is irrelevant): "If you called the tail of a dog a leg, how many legs would a dog have?" To a man (yes, back then, the President's cabinet was a male enclave and nobody was upset about it) they said, "Five." "Wrong," replied Lincoln, "Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it one."

For some, odd, hard to define reason, I get the feeling that there's a lesson in this anecdote for the present situation ... Nah, come to think of it, must be my imagination. Gotta go. My dog wants to marry me, and, after all, we deserve the same rights as everybody else.