The Rice Report

Yellow Journalism at its best!

Monday, May 24th, MMX

The problem with writing any Rice Report these days is that I’m on asininity over-load. There’s just so much of it that it’s paralyzing. And by the time I get around to writing something, talk radio has already seized on it. Whatever I might have to say is old news by the time I can get it up on the web-site. So the best I can do right now is a series of "shot-gun blast" one liners, or several liners.

Take an Ohio mayor like Michael Coleman. When I first heard of his antics I drew the reasonable conclusion that he was obviously mayor of Cleveland. But, no, he’s mayor of a somewhat clean city, Columbus. Like a lot of self-righteous suction pumps, he wants to take action against Arizona for its new immigration law. In a story from what we use to lovingly call the Columbus Dogpatch, Coleman has banned travel to Arizona on the part of city employees. I’d have to agree. I wouldn’t want my city employees to risk deportation, either.

Of course, by now you’ve heard that Los Angeles is boycotting goods and services from Arizona. It’s been hard for Arizona to find a way to retaliate. After all, Los Angeles produces nothing useful except … illegal aliens, and Arizona is already boycotting them. But Arizonans are quite industrious. They’ve actually decided to help Los Angeles in its boycott … by shutting off electricity to the city. But that should actually make Los Angeles happy. Aren’t power plants on the liberals’ list of the evil producers of global warming?

The financial crisis in Greece has gotten so bad it’s caused Prime Minister George Papandreou to have hallucinations. He’s blaming U.S. banks for the fact that Greece spent itself into oblivion because, in his own words, "I think, yes, the financial sector, I hear the words fraud and lack of transparency. So yes, yes, there is great responsibility here." Yes, he’s obviously either clairvoyant or stark raving mad. I’m sure it will give liberal jurisprudence in this country a new precedent—guilty by virtue of hearing things. After all, Arizona is already guilty of potential racial profiling. Gad, I hope we can charge Bill Clinton with potential pedophilia.

A simpleton named Betsy Markey (Well, she is a Congress-person-thing so what would you expect?) has introduced a resolution in the House in praise of beer, because it creates jobs. She’s actually said, about beer, "You can't just have one," which may actually explain a lot, or perhaps she’s confused beer with Lay’s potato chips. So, why we’re at it, why not a resolution in praise of potato chips for the same reason? Oh, I forgot, they’re on the liberal’s evil food watch list. But isn’t beer fattening, too? Gad, don’t you love consistency?

By now you know that Senator Arlen “The Sphincter” Spectar has lost his primary in Pennsylvania. He switched parties a year ago to avoid being steam-rolled in the Republican primary by Pat Toomey, only to be steam-rolled by Joe Sestak. What you probably don’t know is that The Sphincter pulled the same trick, only al reves, 45 years ago in Philadelphia. He couldn’t win against the incumbent District Attorney, so he left the party of his birth to run against said incumbent as a Republican. There’s a fitting saying about the whole scenario, “The Dog has returned to his vomit.” Buen provecho, Arlen.

As a friend of mine who reads this would say, “You’re obviously an angry person.” Well, there’s a lot to be angry about.

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The views expressed here are my own--it's a good bet they don't reflect those of the University.