THE STORIES YOU DIDN'T READ ABOUT AT PITT!!!

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When you're a reporter, you get to talk to people and witness events that most folks only read about. It is an exciting job to say the least, and it provides you with an interesting perspective on the world you live in.

But in the course of reporting stories, there is a lot of background information that never gets passed along to the reader. Sometimes it is because that info is too graphic or obscene, and the writer must censor himself. For instance, the reader doesn't need a graphic description of a dismembered body to know that a crime occurred.

There has been a lot of news this year, and I was lucky enough to run the section that brought it to you. But there were certain curious stories that did not make it into the paper for one reason or another. In no particular order, I would like to take this chance to give you some of the more interesting ones.

1. Allocations, shmallocations!

There has been a lot of talk about the SGB allocating itself student money. We at The Pitt News have been pretty hard on them, but there is more to the story than we printed. The SGB has been looting even more money from the student activities account all year for their own personal benefit.

President Justin DalMolin confessed the operation to me a few nights ago in front of the student union. "Pornography and Jolt Cola," he confessed with a burp "That's $2.3 million down the drain."

2. Back to the Future

On March 16, a young teaching fellow in Pitt's physics department stumbled onto what could be the greatest discovery in the history of mankind.

Leaning over an electron microscope, Andrea Nacinzerb tried to explain to me how the subatomic particles sheUs been researching can actually move backward in time.

"At certain velocities, a combination of tungsten and hydrogen atoms can produce a static electricity that excites certain light waves, and we believe it forces the particles backward in time much the way a supernova creates wormholes in space," she said.

At that time, Nacinzerb was working on a way to harness the energy and send a beacon backward in time. RWe have a receptor operating now," she said. "And when we send this device back, the sonar should trigger it so we can find out how far back in time it goes."

During the interview, Nacinzerb looked up to see an exact replica of herself enter the office.

"Wait! I'm telling you, scrap the project!" the breathless clone said.

"But why?" Nacinzerb asked herself. "Are you from the future?"

"Yes! Your project will be a success, but time travel will become commonplace. Anyone can go back in time and assassinate rulers, change the course of history, and win millions by betting on major sporting events!"

The present-tense Nacinzerb leapt from her chair. "My God, I've got to stop this!" With that, she rushed over to her equipment, and began smashing the machinery to bits. Sparks flew, and flames burst from the whirring centrifuge. Nacinzerb threw her notes into the blaze and rushed out of the office, vowing never to return to science.

When the flames died, and the smoke cleared, I found myself alone with the futuristic Nacinzerb.

"Hey, you're still here," I said. "Isn't that a paradox?"

Nacinzerb gripped her neck and pulled the latex mask from her face. "No, it's just me, FAS Dean Peter Koehler," he said adjusting his dress and glasses. "After all Andrea's hard work, I just didn't have the heart to tell her we were cutting the program."

3. The Second Coming of Jesus Christ

Whether it really was the second coming depends on whether youUre a Jew or a Gentile, but no matter how you slice it, this was one of the more interesting stories that didnUt make it into The Pitt News.

We were short of space in the section that night and had to pull the story to fit in another one about the SGB. In retrospect, I think this was a mistake.

The next day was a Thursday, and the story got bumped again for the police blotter. By the next Monday, the story just wasn't newsworthy anymore, and a lot of Pitt students never heard about it.

The whole thing went down around 3 o'clock in the afternoon. There was a rumble, the ground split, water turned to fire, and frogs fell from the sky over Towers, as The Savior rode a purple cloud onto the Cathedral Lawn to the tune of "Sergeant PepperUs Lonely Hearts Club Band."

"I have come to show you the portal leading directly to the Kingdom of Heaven," the Lord said. "It is right here in Oakland. Just follow Me." But as the Lord stepped out onto Bigelow Boulevard, he was promptly run over by a PAT bus.

"Told you they should have closed the street," said Bigelow Task Force Director Jen Molluso.

Pitt Police rushed the Savior over to the UPMC, but doctors could not revive him.

"Perhaps if we wait a few days..." said Assistant Vice Chancellor for Health Sciences Thomas Detre, who actually knew Jesus when he was a child. "Maybe everything will be okay."

Sure enough, Christ rose from the dead but refused to talk to reporters. Days later, the mayor announced that because the Lord's Son was run over, the city would take a few lanes out of Bigelow to appease the Great Creator.

Christ still would not reveal the location of the direct portal to heaven, and spent the rest of his 40-day vacation in Squirrel Hill, "which is the only place to get a half-decent bagel," He said.

So, while we at your local college newspaper do the best we can to bring you the news of the day, every daily occasionally misses a few important stories.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you had as much fun as we did. Have a nice summer.

See you in the future.