Meeshell Smeyeling : Rating Full House Characters

The Handy Full House Character Ratings Guide

PART 1 | PART 2

Growing up, everybody had at least one show that they watched religiously. For most boys, it was probably something along the lines of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Power Rangers or maybe The Batman, but I differed from that model and chose to obsess over a show that probably gave my parents a little bit of a scare for a while. That show, of course, is Full House. I honestly don't even know how I became so knowledgeable about it. I don't remember watching it in its original run, except maybe the horse episode, and by the time it came around to being on Nick at Nite, I found that I already knew a large majority of the episodes that were aired. I figure that I will put my knowledge to some use by letting you, the casual Full House watcher, find out how good each character was with a simple and accurate ratings system. In the interest of scientifically accurate measurements, I devised a ratings system based off of one of the all time least enjoyable sitcom characters, Steve Urkel.

A rating of one Urkel means that the character was as enjoyable as Steve Urkel was on Family Matters

A rating of four Urkels means that the character was precisely four times better than Urkel, which is the scientific maximum.

Let's get started then!

Danny wearing a Giants jacket, because the shot of the Golden Gate Bridge in the beginning of the credits just didn't clarify the location of the show enough.

Danny Tanner

Danny Tanner was the head of the Tanner household. Obsessed with cleaning and giving long speeches followed by hugs, Danny is often dismayed when anybody in his house doesn't share his passion for Pine-sol. He taught Michelle the alphabet using cleaning products, so I'm inclined to believe that he has the OCD. He was the host of Waaaaaaaaaaaake Up San Francisco, which led him to meeting the Beach Boys on an almost daily basis. One of Danny's best lines (which really works great without context, so I'll present it that way) is "If the tooth hurts, suck it!" While he has memorable moments and is a necessary character, Danny Tanner loses points because Bob Saget, the actor who portrayed him, actually managed to make videos of people falling off of things less funny by adding his own high-pitched impressions and also appeared in Dumb and Dumberer, a movie we'd all like to forget.
2.5 Urkels

Jesse seen with the smug satisfaction of knowing that he could have any lady he so desires.

Jesse Katsopolis

What can be said about Jesse Katsopolis that hasn't already been said? He is arguably the best sitcom character since the Fonz, thanks in no small part to his emulation of the Fonz. Jesse is a modern day Renaissance Man, mastering the arts of music, commercials, radio show hosting, pest extermination and really good hair. As a young adult Jesse once rode a motorcycle on the ledge of a building because his friend Scott Baio told him to. When the time came for Scott to request that Jesse do it again as an adult, Jesse originally agreed, but then realized family was what mattered, and he punched Scott Baio in the head and Scott Baio's head fell off(because of Jesse punching it). He wrote quite possibly the most terrible song ever, Michelle Smiling, but he was totally writing it just so the ladies would like him more because they would think that he was sensitive, so he gets a pass for that. His catchphrases "Have mercy!" and "Watch the hair!" are still widely quoted in all walks of life as ideals for living. Assuming that Danny Tanner was telling the truth to Michelle, after Jesse got married, all he did was do his taxes with his wife Becky for a few months up in their attic room. If not for the scientific limitations imposed by the strict Urkel scale, Jesse would proabably get infinity of Urkels, but as it stands, this is all I can do.
4 Urkels

Joey, in the middle of cutting something out.

Joseph Gladstone

A bumbling manchild with possibly the worst comedy routine of any professional comedian except for Carlos Mencia, Joey Gladstone is Danny's friend who lives in his house, despite having no family ties whatsoever. Like Jesse, Joey was involved in many creative endeavors. He and Jesse were partners in advertising and on a radio show, where they were kept from failure only due to Jesse's charisma and natural drive for success. Joey also hosted a children's show where he used a stuffed woodchuck mannequin. The woodchuck would basically always say "Did somebody say woooooooooooood?" which is one of the signs that Joey is straight up not funny. His comedy routine consisted of doing impressions of dated cartoons like Popeye and Bulwinkle. His one saving grace is that divine hand signal Cut-it-out, which is revered as a sign from God in many Christian sects.
2 Urkels

DJ pretending that she has a social life.

DJ Tanner

DJ Tanner is the only one of the Tanner children with any redeeming values to mention. The eldest child, DJ is considerate and often tries to stop her clearly special friend Kimmy Gibler from doing stupid things, like getting drunk and driving, or basically anything else Kimmy Gibler ever considers doing ever. Constantly pestered by Stephanie, it is shocking that DJ did not snap at some point in the show. She had a George Michael poster above her bed for the first few seasons, but that disappeared real quick after George Michael became a criminal. Overall, while not an excellent character in her own right, DJ clearly trumps her two sisters in terms of quality, meriting her score.
3 Urkels

Stephanie, contemplating the rudeness of the current situation.

Stephanie Tanner

Stephanie is not only the worst of the Tanner Children, she is, without a doubt the worst child character to ever have a starring role on a TV show. Her catchphrase "how rude!" fills me with despair every time I hear her painstakingly overannunciate the 'u' in 'rude.' Besides that, she was constantly the reason for the various mishaps that befell the Tanner Clan. Who was it that told Kimmy Gibler about her surprise birthday party mere seconds after promising DJ she would remain quiet? Who was it that drove a car through a kitchen wall because she didn't understand how to do anything right ever? Who was it that set up a bed in the family bathtub after DJ got her own room and forced Stephanie to room with Michelle? You can bet your ass that it was Stephanie. In fact, I believe that at least 50% of the real world's problems are a result of people being upset with Stephanie's decisions. I, for one, have been arrested for several misdemeanors and felonies as a result of watching Stephanie ruin the lives of those around her.

Michelle, in the later stages of not being an awful character.

Michelle Tanner

Grading Michelle provides a challenging task, because over the course of the show, she went from loveable baby, whose line delivery, whenvever the need arose for her to speak, was so adorably out of place that the live studio audience couldn't help but "aww", to annoying kid who wouldn't even cross the street to prevent her dog from getting lost because she was afraid. Most painful was the transformation of the line "you got it dude." In the beginning, it was one of the show's better known and most well liked catchphrases, but as Michelle aged, the line became less and less cute, until it was just 10 year old Michelle halfheartedly saying it just because the writers assumed that people still talk the way that they talked as babies and that it is normal behavior. She also gets upset when Joey comes in to substitue teach her class, because he has the crazy idea that school is for learning and not doing stupid comedy and Michelle won't have any of it. If only he was a full time teacher, the world would not have been exposed to nearly as many hackneyed Popeye impressions. Michelle is probably most well known for her inability to not fall of a horse when it gets startled. It was tough, but I think I balanced good and bad Michelle fairly.
2 Urkels

PART 1 | PART 2

Questions? Comments? Hatemail? Let me know at doakley88@gmail.com or on AIM at dsgfioy
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Did I rate some characters poorly? The answer is obviously no, as this is a very scientific procedure, but if you want to argue anyway, feel free.

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