Student Sample
Illustration
Grade B


Assignment:
Labels are everywhere around us. We label objects, situations and people. Often those labels imply judgments, sometimes good, sometimes bad. Write about a time you were labeled in some way. Using illustrations, clarify what the label was, how you got it and how it affected you.



Labels

Labels are unavoidable but dangerous. Because human beings are complicated and labels are simple, labels often leave a misimpression about a person. My first semester at college has been uncomfortable so far because I have been mislabeled. I am considered a "religious fanatic," but I’m not.

A "fanatic," according to Webster’s Dictionary, is someone who has "an extreme, uncritical enthusiasm or zeal." That is not my nature at all. My father, however, is a minister, and I was brought up in a small Nazarene church just north of Jamestown, NY. My parents taught me to believe in God and to trust Him with my problems. They also taught me to behave in a Christian way. That’s what I try to do, and because of it, many people think I am a "fanatic."

Probably the biggest thing that makes people think I’m a fanatic is that I read the Bible every day. Not for very long, though. Only about fifteen minutes every day, usually in the evening in my dorm room. I try to pick a time when my roommate is gone because I can tell it makes him uncomfortable. I don’t think he’s ever gone to church in his life. Everytime I get out my Bible, he says, "you aren’t one of those snake handlers are you?" Obviously, he thinks religious people are unbalanced. People do, however, occasionally see me reading my Bible and they say bad things about me because of it.

I also pray in the cafeteria before I eat and that make people uncomfortable, but I was brought up to pray before meals and it just seems right. I don’t pray out loud, and my prayers are brief, and I try to make them as inconspicuous as possible, but people sometimes do see me. I, personally, don’t see what the big deal is about, but a lot of students will go out of their way not to sit close to where I am.

Finally, I am shy. Talking to people isn’t easy. I don’t have any brothers and sisters, I was never involved in very many activities outside church in high school and now I am around more different kinds of people than I’ve ever been around in my life. So usually I don’t know what to say to people. I would like to have somebody to talk to and watch football games or study with but I am not good at approaching people. I am afraid they already have a bad impression of me and and will not respond favorably.

So I am stuck with an unfair label. There is not much I can do about it, but I will be very cautious before I pin labels on others.

This paper has nice voice. The student is direct in his phrasing and specific in his details. He illustrates convincingly why he has this label. Notice, however, that the paper doesn't get off to a very good start. The first two sentences are too general and tell us things we already know. Even though the voice is good, the student has a problem with run on sentences. (If you have similar problems, you might want to check the section "Punctuating Compound Sentences," which can be found under "Grammar Review" in the English 0150 section.) All in all, this is a good paper but a little short of being excellent.



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